Drive out a scoffer, and strife goes out; quarreling and abuse will cease.
–Proverbs 22:10
Some relationships seem to feed on conflict. It’s exhausting to be around. Early in life, we figure out who will encourage us and who will tear us down. We all know people whose primary goal seems to be pointing out others’ faults.
In his famous study on marriage, John Gottman found four predictors of divorce. These traits are applicable to other relationships as well. The first is criticism or finding fault with your partner. The second is defensiveness, which means defending oneself or whining rather than taking some responsibility. Next is contempt: putting oneself on higher ground than the other person; this can happen verbally or nonverbally. Last, stonewalling is withdrawing from the conversation, either physically or emotionally. Gottman found that couples who engaged in these behaviors had a much higher chance of divorce.
The writer of Proverbs seems to have understood these principles. “Drive out a scoffer and strife goes out; quarreling and abuse will cease” (22:10). Somehow, scoffing seems to be one of the most insidious of all the negative relational habits. Most of us wither when we are the focus of a scoffer.
Many of us have suffered from the pain caused by hurtful words. Often, we don’t know how to respond. In the broad scheme of life, realizing that we are God’s beloved son or daughter is helpful. We are not defined by someone else’s opinion of us, but our value comes from being loved by our Creator.
In the immediate moment of receiving harsh words, there is a suggestion offered in Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Maybe the key is not developing skills to survive the attacks of others*. Perhaps our goal is to “counterattack” or “preemptively strike” with kindness. As we look at the life of Jesus, He consistently displayed compassion, grace, kindness and respect. He is the example that we follow.
With a harsh election fresh in our memories, let us resolve to sow peace. Let us be healers and seek to understand others. Let’s reach across the divide and build bridges.
—Kathy McMillan is director of Employee Spiritual Care at Loma Linda University Medical Center.
*The exception to this is an abusive relationship, where it is more important to be safe and remove yourself from the relationship rather than try to keep peace. If you are in an abusive relationship and need help considering your options, please call the Employee & Student Assistance Program at ext. 66050.
